Thursday, April 14, 2011

Embarrassment

Tuesday night I had my WW meeting and I of course new the scale would read a + for lbs (my weigh in on Monday was a + )  After the meeting I needed to go to the grocery store.  It was nice being able to walk around the store with hardly anyone there and no kids in tow.  Usually when I'm in the store with my kids I try to get in and out as quietly and calmly as possible with my sanity in tact (which can be difficult as if you have children I'm sure you can relate). 

While in the store (ok before I got in the store) I was not in a great mood and was feeling pretty angry and frustrated with myself for the weight gain.  I said to myself you know what I'm going to get what ever I want in the store because I don't care!  I did set some boundaries in my mind that it couldn't be a bag of something. It could only be a serving of something or contain small prepackaged servings (much like the evil elf cookies I had a week ago).  I did have somethings on my list that I needed to get: vegetables, milk, ice cream for my boys.  What I did purchase I don't all remember but the few things that stick out in my mind: 2 boxes of WW Ice Cream bars, 1 box of Haagen Dazs small ice cream bars, 1 box of Haagen Dazs Ice Cream Mini things, 1 Mounds Candy bar in the shape of an egg, 1 chocolate covered marshmallow egg, 2 packages of sugarless gum (yes for those who know me you did read that correctly) and some mini bags of 94% fat free popcorn.  At the checkout line I bumped into someone I knew and I was mortified.  Here I am loading up the conveyor belt with ice cream and chocolate.  The person I bumped into I hadn't seen in a little while and they were commenting on how I looked:  "You look great!".  I must say I never get tired of the compliments but here I am with a conveyor belt full of binge food and they are giving me complements.  I was so embarrassed and felt really awkward in that moment.  It was like I was getting caught with my hands in the cookie jar.

After I paid for the groceries ($80 worth of convenience foods - ugh!) I made my way to the car quickly as it was raining.  I tried to be as coy as possible without anyone noticing me search through the bags for the chocolate.  Eureka!  I then sat in the car first devouring/inhaling the Mounds candy bar and chocolate covered marshmallow egg.  Then it was onto the second course.  I ate a WW Raspberry Cheesecake Ice Cream bar (I love cheese cake and I haven't had any in months) and then I headed for home.  Once I got home I had my third course: a Haagen Dazs small ice cream bar, a couple mini Haagen Dazs Ice Cream nugget of sorts, tortilla chips and a spoonful of hot fudge.  I can't believe I just wrote that.  All combined I ate 19 extra WW points.  Needless to say I wasn't happy with myself but I told myself you it's over and you are just going to forget about it and work your A55 off at the gym.  I guess for me that shows food isn't always about hunger.  What meaning does food have in your life?

4 comments:

  1. Sonya,
    I really admire you for being honest about your moment of weakness. We all have "stuff" we deal with and I'm sure so many people can relate to what you're saying here. I like your attitude about moving on...this was one moment and you always have the chance to start again. I often find posting things or telling a friend about your circumstances keeps you accountable...ie. I'm doing the "couch potato to 5K" program, or I'm really struggling with "this" (name your weakness) right now. Often they will ask you about it and hold you true to your goals. You are doing really well, Sonya. One slip up is not the end of the world. You know exactly what you need to do and you will do it. No matter what! :)

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  2. Thanks for keeping it real Sonya...you're not superwoman, just a woman!! and next time; don't go to the store after a WW meeting with a gain...sleep on it, go without milk in the morning and pray you've got a better attitude!! but seriously, we can all relate, don't be mortified, and thanks for telling us like it is! ; ) -mid

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  3. Thank you for posting, Sonya. I can understand your frustration and desire to binge. When we get down on ourselves, it can be so easy to say, "Aw, screw all this." And then just go right ahead and do whatever it is you want to make yourself feel better in the moment. It doesn't have to be eating, it can happen with all kinds of desires/behaviors. I think what's more important is to recognize it and then forgive yourself for it, and look to tomorrow (which seems to be what you did). So, in my book, you're still moving in the right direction!

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  4. Mid, Jana, and Janine,
    Thank you for posting your comments and all your support!

    Me posting on this blog is keeping me honest and holding me accountable. I must say it's scary to be so 'real' for the world to see. However it does really help me and it gives me the kick in the butt I need at times :-)

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