Friday, September 30, 2011

What It's Like To Be Fat - Part I

Get ready for an F bomb....

I'm cautioning you before you read further that if any of the f words upset you to please close your web browser window and don't read any further.  This post is not meant to upset anyone but I must say as I was writing this it definitely stirred some emotions from within me as it may do the same for you. What a sad existence I had by letting fat control my life.  Read on if you like........

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For those of you who are reading this and are overweight/obese I don't think I need to tell you what it's like to be fat.  There are varying degrees of 'what it's like' depending of how big a person is and their situation.  For every rule there are exceptions and not every large person shares the same reality nor the same view point about their weight or extra lbs.  In some cases there are people who are underweight but view themselves as fat but that's another topic for another time.

This is what being fat has been like for me and these are many thoughts along with a few experiences I had carried around with me for many, many, many years.

1. I've spent approximately 3/4 of my life being overweight from age 8 to 38, obese starting from my teen years with gaining 25lbs and then 35lbs etc.. (I lost a few lbs and gained what I lost and then some many times over) and at age 39 I'm close to being in the normal BMI for my height since the age of 7.  To think that I've spent most of my life being overweight is kind of crazy when I think about it.

2. Being overweight has made me self conscious for most of my life (I hope no one notices I'm fat.  I better wear the shirt that covers my hips and butt).

3. Fall was my favorite season because bulky sweaters would cover up the fat more than a t shirt. Somehow sweaters created an optical illusion in my mind along with a blanket of security and comfort especially on cold days (insert a side of comfort food here).

4. Fitting in a seat on the airplane was stressful and I always felt anxious as I was walking down the isle.  As I walk down the airplane isle in my head I'm saying: Who am I sitting with or next too? Will my fat thighs 'spill over' onto the seat next to me?

5. Shopping for a wedding dress in my head I'm thinking: What will fit and hide the most fat?  Gosh my arms look horrible! - ( I lost some weight before my wedding and was able to fit into a size 16).

6. How does our wedding photographer make a fat bride look good in her photos (something I wanted to ask our wedding photographer but never did)?

7. How is it this guy I'm interested in likes me for me? Is he for real? Doesn't my fat scare him? (when I met my husband I was 155lbs and a size 14.  Not massively huge but not exactly small or normal weight either - it was during an exercise phase that I met him. BTW I'm 5' 2" so any extra weight shows up right away :-)

8. Um is it possible to wear a bathing suit and not feel completely disgusting?

9. I want to work out at the gym but I'm so fat I'm afraid people will stare at me and say wow she's huge.  I felt like a carnival freak show.  I had to lose weight to feel comfortable before I would walk into a gym.

10. I'm at a party and I'm really hungry but people are watching me eat and I want to eat more but people are staring at me so I'll just wait till I get home and I'll eat then. In my head I thought people were thinking: "shouldn't she be eating less? no wonder she's fat".

11. In my head: How can I blend into the background so know one notices that I'm fat?  I felt like I was the elephant in the room figuratively and literally.  I didn't say much and now I'm a 'talker' at gatherings.

12. People would pass me buy or treat me differently (the fact that I was trying to 'hide' I'm sure didn't exactly make me an approachable person but lets face it an attractive person is much more approachable than some who is not - and being attractive sometimes just has to start and end with a smile).

13. Winter and Fall were my favorite seasons because it equaled seasonal yummy comfort food along with me not getting super hot like in the summer months.  Summer time was miserable because it meant trying to figure out how to hide my fat with summer clothes.

14.  Never wanting to go swimming at the local pool as I felt embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit.

15. Tying my shoes was a workout. Shoes that required no tying were my favorite.

16. Not being able to see my toes.  Before I typed that I just stood up and looked at them to remember what it was like when I couldn't do that.

17. Hating to go clothes shopping.  Nothing looks good with a lot of extra fat on my body. 

18. Having to pay a ton of money for any clothing that 'looked good' or had more style than a tent.

19. People who were genuine I would questioned their authenticity in my mind (who would like a fat girl?). 

20. Getting picked last if at all for playing on a team during recess time.


21. Almost forgot!- achy joints - especially knees!


To be continued.........

2 comments:

  1. Sonya you have been on my mind lately, I'm not sure why. Reading your lists (part 1 and 2) I am struck especially by the change I see in you. Though I've been around you very little, both before and after, the biggest change I notice is in your energy. You may be smaller but you take up more space as a human being, and I mean that in the best possible way. I hope to see you again soon.

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  2. Thank you so much Amy! Energy I have lots of these days. I see you from time to time biking, swimming, running etc.. You are an inspiration to me!

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