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Showing posts from 2013

Where I Am Today 167.4 lbs :-(

Where I am today...... I feel a little awkward writing this post. I was hoping to write sooner but of course it didn't happen. What has been happening a bit these days is I'm doing a little bit of self loathing.

I'm going to apologize now for my less than cheery post (what I was hoping to do was brighten your day with some positive energy - something I don't have much of right now). It's the end of the semester and I've done really well in my class and my final is coming up next week. I suppose I should be studying now instead of writing this blog post but I feel the need to reach out. Next semester the class I'm taking is going to be tough (exercise physiology - a subject I'm really interested in). Thankfully it will be the only class I take next semester. This time last year I was taking the exercise physiology class but had to withdraw as I fell ill with a major depression/anxiety mid/late semester. I'm miles away from where I was last year but …

Three Weeks Post Op...

It seems like light years have passed since my previous post. I tend to let some time pass in between postings. I'm generally thinking in the back of my mind what I'm going to write about while my life happens. There's so much I want to say but I only have a limited amount of time between school, being a mom and trying to keep my house from looking like a total disaster.

Since my previous post I've officially met my goal (how odd that sounds to me right now) with diet bet and won $49 and change. I'll take it!

As for surgery I'm now three weeks post op. The operation (diskectomy) wasn't as bad as I originally thought and I felt relieved the day before and the day of the surgery knowing that it would soon be over with.  The first 12 days post op I had no pain (thanks to meds and Advil). I had great support from my husband, friends and family. I was able to rest and I felt great. So great in fact that after twelve days I took it upon myself to shop for two ho…

- 2.8 lbs Oh My!

This week I had a weigh in and a Drs. appointment. First off I weighed in on Tuesday and lost 2.8 lbs for a total loss of 8.4 lbs in two weeks! I've met my 4% goal for Diet Bet! Only 11 more days before the game is over and the money is split up among those that reached their goal. There are 7,947 players and $238,440 in the pot. I'll keep you posted on the winnings.

Earlier this week I had an appointment with a surgeon and I made the decision to go ahead with the surgery as scary as it seems. I don't relish the thought of being cut into. Thankfully it's a minimally invasive procedure and I'll be in and out of the hospital in the same day. My surgery date is set for October 24th.

There was no shortage of comedy at the surgeons office. Of course in the waiting room as I'm speaking to the nurse/receptionist she asked me how my injury happened. "Did this happen at work or where you in a car accident?" Of course just two feet to the left of me was a matu…

- 5.6 lbs in my first week!!!

It's Friday and I'm getting to sit and write for the first time this week. It's been a busy week with my class and taking care of my boys along with the usual everything else that needs to get done in the course of a week.

Earlier this week I sought out the name of a few surgeons (neurosurgeon and backsurgeon) from friends and family.  My Dr. said that I'm a good candidate for surgery to fix my situation of a ruptured disc. The ruptured disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve which is causing numbness and intermittent pain in my leg. From what I've been told it is possible to have a permanent condition of partial motor function in my right leg if I don't get this fixed. The thought of someone cutting into me is scary to say the least.

So how bad can this really be? It's not like I'm dying or on the floor in excruciating pain. Unfortunately it effects me in ways that really matter. Since my weight loss I've prided myself in being able to run around with…

Diet Bet

Today marks the first official day of my diet bet. My official weigh in is a whopping 161.2lbs. Doing some basic math it shows I've officially gained 25lbs of the 80 I originally lost. The objective of the game is to lose 4% of my body weight in 28 days. That figures out to be 6.44 lbs (if I did my math right). I paid $30 to participate in this game and I don't like losing (I do however love losing the extra lbs). I'm going to give it my all.

As part of my weight loss regimen I've gotten back on the exercise horse. I've reintroduced my butt to the stationary bike seat and vise versa (it's been a while since they've seen each other).

In terms of food today so far I have consumed 654 calories. The calories where from the following foods:

Breakfast:
2 decaf coffees w stevia and half and half
PB oatmeal

Lunch:
Salad with garbanzo beans, mixed greens, apple and balsamic vinaigrette
Kashi Go Lean and Almond Milk

I'll post my progress a week from today. Wish me lu…

What's Going On?

What's going on? That is a question I've been asking myself for many months since my last post. I was on a roll with the weight loss and then I faltered.

A lot has happened since May of this year. Had a busy summer with my boys and I'm currently taking a Health and Wellness class at one of the local community colleges. I've also watched the numbers on the scale go down and then up. I've sadly had to purchase paints a few sizes up from where I was and I'm feeling like a blimp. I don't have the confidence I once had in my appearance and I feel like I did when I was 80 lbs heavier. I have a few small 'rolls' where there was none and I'm not keen on wearing fitted tops anymore.



The resolve I had when I lost 80 lbs doesn't seem to be there like it once was.  In my last post I commented on how well I was doing on the Jillian Michael's program. My goal was for my next blog post to be a celebration of meeting my goal (the reason why I haven…

My Progress on Jillian Michael's Program

Today was a good day. It didn't start out so great as we found this morning some teenagers thought it would be fun to play baseball with our mail box. My day however did get better. I've been on Jillian's program now for two weeks. The workouts are intense but worth it. I love the challenge of a good workout but most importantly I LOVE TO SEE THE GREAT RESULTS of my hard work! I weighed in this morning and lost just under 2lbs for a total of 4lbs in two weeks and in one week I lost 1" from my waist and 1.5 " from my hips. I'm well on my way to losing the 25 lbs!



I have been doing my Jillian Workouts at the gym so there are no distractions (like cleaning the house or doing laundry).  A young guy  (20's is young for me considering I'll be 41 next month) was working out near me and mentioned he noticed how hard I was working. He said my workout looked intense. My response to him: "If I'm going to workout I'm going to make it count".  A…

Weight Watchers vs. Jillian Michael's

It's been a little over 3 years (January 2010) since I started my weight loss journey. I reached my goal weight in May of 2011 (135 lbs). Since then it's been a yoyo and my trend had been going up over the last several months. My current weight is 150 lbs (I was 155 but lost 5lbs over the last few weeks). My goal is to lose the weight I put back on (20 lbs) plus an additional 5 lbs for a weight loss of 25 lbs in total. It's so hard keeping the weight off!!

The strategy I'm now doing this time is different. I've decided to follow Jillian Michael's weight loss program instead of continuing on with Weight Watchers. I lost the 80lbs on Weight Watchers and the program served me well. It forced me to look at portion size, calories (with old points system), fiber, carbs, fat and protein (with the new points plus system).  It changed the way I looked at food. Instead of processed foods I focused on eating a variety of whole fruits, vegetables, legumes, grains and low …

Exercise and Stress

In my previous post I mentioned how I'm no longer signing up for events as it was becoming a stressor for me to train for these events. I'm writing this post in the hopes of helping people figure out what is a good stress vs. a bad stress when it comes to exercise.


Lets face it everyone (or most everyone by human nature) likes to take the easy way. Case in point if you could be healthy by either sitting on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream or sweating during a run outside most people would probably pick the bowl of ice cream vs the run as it's more pleasurable. Unfortunately that's not a reality. If being healthy meant eating a bowl of ice cream we all would be fit and trim in this country. That is something the diet/food industry knows or prays upon so we have the latest fad diets along with weight loss pills and fat free, low fat, processed foods in the grocery store. These are illusions that are the answers to our weight loss prayers.

Unfortunately there is no e…

Working It Out

As I write this I'm sitting on the couch with the  TV on for some background noise. It's been a month since my last post and life has been very busy. My 7 year old has something to go to 4 out of 5 days/nights of the week so our dinner time is very rushed along with bed time and helping my son with his homework.

My spirits in general are ok. I'm missing my dogs Mocha and Java. I can't count how many times I when I get home and I feel a rushed feeling of needing to let them out and then I remember they aren't here. When it comes to progress in my life I feel like things are moving at a painfully slow pace since November. My short term memory is spotty at times and it's hard to really know why or what's causing it. I guess the big lesson in all this is patience.

For exercise I'm backing off of signing up for any more races. I'm feeling that I've burned myself out and I don't need to be signed up for a half marathon to be in shape or to exerci…

Miss Mocha

I was planning on this post being about how I gained 6lbs over the loss of our dog Java and how I'm now working on losing that weight. However I just got back from the vets and I find it helps to write so here I am. I am writing this blog post as I sit on my couch with a cup of coffee, my laptop and my 7 yr. old who's sitting next to me sucking on a lollipop and watching a program on Netflix.

Today isn't a teacher work day or a holiday but a day I am giving my son to help him grieve.  We had to euthanize our dog Mocha this morning (the second of two dogs in three weeks - Java was euthanized three weeks ago).



When Java passed it felt a little less painful as we had Mocha to come home to. Now there are no dogs in our home and it feels a little less lively and a little more quiet. It was hard walking into our home and not having either Mocha or Java there to great us. It's going to be difficult over the next few days as I find dog toys or as I walk past the dog bed that …

Contemplating

This morning I awoke to my alarm at 6 am. I got up used the bathroom and then stood in my bedroom contemplating if I was going back to bed. I decided to lay back down and then my mind started cycling ahead about the consequences of going back to bed. My plans were to attend the 7 am spin class at the local gym. I then started thinking about how bad I would feel if I didn't go to the class. Not going would lead to not feeling great about missing the class which would then lead to falling into food temptations. I'm an all or nothing type person (something I'm working on changing) and not going to spin would turn into a tailspin of eating - "why not eat everything?" - I said to myself. I would either go all the way with exercising and eating well or I wasn't going to do any of it.  The last time I didn't eat well I gained 6 lbs over the loss of my dog Java. With weight gain I really feel the consequences in my running and exercise. I run really s l o w and …

Lovely, Lively Java

Today (Monday March 11th) I made the hardest phone call ever.  I had to schedule an appointment to have our beloved Java euthanized today.

All of this started late Thursday afternoon.  She was limping and lifting her right rear leg.  We initially thought it might be a sprain so we gave her an aspirin and decided to call the vet early the next morning. At 2 am we awoke to her whimpering as she was trying to stand so my husband picked her up and brought her outside to do her 'business'.  There were 6 inches of snow on the ground at that time and the snow was still falling. I watched from the window as she hopped around on three legs to find her 'spot'.  She eventually 'hopped' out of sight so I waited by the door for her.  I waited 10 minutes and didn't see her return so I started to worry.  Our property is thickly wooded with forest behind our home and it was anyone's guess as to where she was.  I put on my boots and coat and headed outside to find her.…

A New Look

It's a new look for my blog today. Time for a change I say. Hope you like the new look and thank you for taking the time to read.  I have received many nice complements in the form of people sharing their struggles with me.  So many people are struggling with weight/health and or depression.

People have read this blog from all over the world: USA, China, Ukraine, Canada, Sweden, UK, Germany, Israel, Russia, Australia, Lithuania, France....  and the list goes on.

I originally started this blog as a weight loss blog and as my life has changed so has some of my focus. I'm still focused on weight loss, health and wellness but now I also have depression and it's aftermath to deal with.  I'm looking forward to this being a distant memory while learning a few things along the way.

Thank you for reading, sharing and being a part of my journey.

Thank you.


The Bad News and The Good News

The bad news: I gained .6 lbs last week.

The good news: I only gained .6 lbs last week after all the temptations I indulged in last week.



In my recovery process with depression it's slow going it seems.  The feeling of "will I ever feel back to normal?".  Unfortunately my old 'normal' is part of what got me in this mess to begin with.  The all or nothing approach.  When things feel difficult it's because I am not working hard enough.  I need to be methodical and perfectionistic about my goals in order to succeed.  If however I do fail I can say I did everything I could have and I am not to blame for lack of success (but of course I always find some way to blame myself for not succeeding rather than accepting my failure).  The good side of having this type of behaviour/way of thinking is most people are successful in achievements (an 'internal locus of control').  Something I learned in my outpatient program.  The bad side of this for me however is t…

Finish Every Day

Finish Every DayRalph Waldo Emerson Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.

Today

Depression is kicking my ass today.

I forced myself to go to the gym this morning when I would rather stay in bed.

I carried on a smile when I saw a familiar face this morning.  While I enjoy seeing people I know and like I had moments of relief when I didn't bump into someone I new.  Saying hi to someone would mean I would have to put on a mask with a smile.  My legs felt like I had bricks attached to them as I ran 3 miles. I didn't want to run but I knew I would feel worse if I went home without that accomplishment.  During my run after the first mile the endorphins kicked in and I felt 'ok' from that time until a little while after I finished my exercise.

So the big question is why am I getting my ass kicked today after doing so well for many weeks after the outpatient program?  Not sure.  There has been a change in my meds as of three weeks ago and I'm sure my hormones are affecting things on some level.  One of the frustrations I have with meds is it can tak…

Bread and Milk with Ice Cream

At home taking a few minutes to write this blog post and checking in. My boys are keeping busy running around the house driving me crazy!  Today school was canceled in light of the freezing rain after all the snow that fell over the weekend (27" in my town).  Our pantry is stocked because I did some shopping before the big snowstorm on Thursday.  Yesterday I stopped at the store to get some more fruit along with bread and milk. The bread was Challah bread one of my favorites and requires no butter or jam.  Yummy and addictive indeed!
I found this video and I laughed out loud! So true to New England! Whenever there is a pending storm everyone rushes to the grocery store for bread and milk as if it were armageddon and they would have no food to eat for days if it snowed for one day. When I went to the grocery store I circled the parking lot three times to get a parking space and then I waited outside in the front of the store for someone to be done with using their grocery cart.

A Chocolate Kind of Day

Today was a bad day.

I slept for 6 hours strait last night and during those 6 or so hours I had one long never ending night mare.  It was one of those dreams that I very rarely if ever have.  In my dream I was running from someone who was trying to physically harm me only this time I'm also trying to protect my children from being hurt.  In my dream I was always running from harm or running to my children to save them.  I didn't feel rested only exhausted when I awoke this morning at 5am but I managed to toss and turn and fall in  and out of sleep for a few hours.  In general last night was a bit of a surprise for me sleep wise but I guess I was already heading in that direction.  The last five evenings I've been able to sleep for 7 hours (my body requires 8).  As a result I've been in a sleep deficit.

After getting my boys off to school I set a timer to get a short nap in before my therapy appointment.  It was not the best appointment.  I wanted to desperately lay d…

The Will To Exercise

As I write this post my glutes (aka butt muscles) are feeling a little sore and I know it's going to be somewhat difficult going down stairs later today into tomorrow.  As I was leaving the gym and walking down the stairs my quads (the frontal portion of my legs) were tightening up even after spending lots of time stretching.

Today was my first workout in 13 days. At the beginning of last week I came down with the flu and then it turned into a sinus infection.  In addition I some residual 'stuff' in my lunges so I'm not 100% when it comes to running.  Our muscles require oxygen from the lungs.  If a person has a chest cold there can be a compromise to the amount of oxygen that is getting to the muscles.  That is why it's important to rest so the body can focus on healing itself (use all it's resources to fight off the virus).  

I managed to get a light workout in.  OK maybe a little more than a 'light workout'.  I pushed myself a little but not for a …

A Beautiful Day!

Went on a hike this morning with a few friends and enjoyed some sunshine and beautiful scenery....  What living is all about.


Today Is A Good Day

I slept a lot yesterday (had three naps for a total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep during the day) and last night I fell asleep on the couch at 9:30pm and slept till 8am.

I awoke this morning to 4 inches of snow outside and there was a message on the answering machine that school was canceled for my boys.  As I went for a cup of coffee (decaf) I noticed my oldest was wearing his pajamas inside out because he heard from his teacher that it could bring good luck for not having school today.  Oh how I wish life were that simple.

After breakfast my boys and I got geared up to go outside and clear some snow off the driveway.  Thankfully we have a snowblower so it made for light work.  However scraping the driveway clean was laborious as the snow was wet and heavy.  I guess you could say that was my workout for today.

After an hour or two outside I came in and decided it was time to clean the house (ok the main living area).  I was going crazy at the clutter, toys and dust bunnies that were ever…

Living in Limbo

I'm living in limbo so it seems these days.  I ended my outpatient program a week and a half ago and today I'm finally starting to feel like I'm starting to live again.  A couple days after my discharge I came down with the flu: fever, chills, aches, cough, congestion etc...  so I had to cancel my therapy appointments and was house bound for days.  Now I am nursing a sinus infection and I'm on antibiotics. I have not exercised in 9 days and I'm missing the endorphins!

Thankfully this week I've been getting out a bit and meeting up with people for coffee or lunch.  I've also had people offer to help out with the kids or a meal and it's nice to have a network of people there for me.  I truly am blessed and fortunate.

On the subject of sleep the last three days I have slept through the night (hooray!) however I still feel tired.  This week is probably the first week that I really miss the program since I left 11 days ago.   I'm now able to get out of …

The Biology and Psychology of Depression and an Analogy

In the outpatient program I attended there were some presentations on anxiety and depression by the psychiatrist and I found them most helpful.  Unfortunately I don't have those presentations committed to memory but thankfully I took notes.  Thankfully online I found an excellent lecture about depression.  With my memory not serving me so well these days I have found this lecture to be most helpful as I can replay it again and it's like watching something new! LOL!!!



Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky about the biology and psychology of depression.

"Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky, posits that depression is the most damaging disease that you can experience. Right now it is the number four cause of disability in the US and it is becoming more common. Sapolsky states that depression is as real of a biological disease as is diabetes."






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A great analogy about what it's like to have …

My Short Term Memory (or lack there of)

It can be frustrating to say the least while having this 'invisible illness'.  I call it invisible because it's different than someone who broke an arm or a leg or had an operation.  I'm not walking around in a cast, on crutches, my arm isn't in a sling and I'm not recovering from surgery.  Many people who are going through depression and or anxiety look like anyone and can be anyone. [Note: If anyone from the program is reading this no worries as I won't be sharing names or personal details of your situation in my blog posts.  I will be talking in generalities.]  Before I became ill I thought I had an idea of what it meant or what it would feel like to be 'depressed' - boy was I wrong!

The people in the program I attended were from all ages and walks of life.  Ages ranged anywhere from early 20's on up to the 70's.  Occupations of the people in the program: therapists/social workers, teachers, business owners, executives, college students,…