Monday, January 28, 2013

A Chocolate Kind of Day

Today was a bad day.

I slept for 6 hours strait last night and during those 6 or so hours I had one long never ending night mare.  It was one of those dreams that I very rarely if ever have.  In my dream I was running from someone who was trying to physically harm me only this time I'm also trying to protect my children from being hurt.  In my dream I was always running from harm or running to my children to save them.  I didn't feel rested only exhausted when I awoke this morning at 5am but I managed to toss and turn and fall in  and out of sleep for a few hours.  In general last night was a bit of a surprise for me sleep wise but I guess I was already heading in that direction.  The last five evenings I've been able to sleep for 7 hours (my body requires 8).  As a result I've been in a sleep deficit.

After getting my boys off to school I set a timer to get a short nap in before my therapy appointment.  It was not the best appointment.  I wanted to desperately lay down on the couch in the office but I knew once my head hit the pillow I would probably fall asleep so I propped myself up with some pillows and closed my eyes for a few seconds here and there to take some strain off of keeping my eyes open.  It was really hard to focus and think clearly.  I wasn't prepared for my appointment as I had the date/time mixed up in my mind and as a result I almost missed my appointment.  In my appointment  I had expressed the feelings of being a failure as a mom, wife, individual.  I feel consumed with the sense of being lost.  Like being in a dessert with nothing around me as far as I can see.  Standing there wondering if I will ever find my way out of the dessert and back to civilization fully functioning as a fulfilled happy self.  I can't go back to where I was a few months ago: over-scheduled, obsessive, perfectionistic.  That will only lead me back to square one when I was at my lowest.  What makes it so daunting to find my way out of the dessert is my lack of short term memory and my ability to mentally process things at a normal speed.  For me things are slowed way down and my anxiety is up! The smallest of things feel like the biggest of mountains.  As I'm trying to find my way out of the dessert of major depression I have a couple of bags on my back that are labeled: being a good mom,  being a good wife.  Today I feel like carrying those bags with me is impossible. Some of that is because mixed in those bags is self criticism and feeling guilty for being less than 100%.  In every marriage people 'take their turn' in the 'in sickness and in health' but for someone like me who has always been strong/independent it's really hard to not only ask for but accept help without guilt. I feel like my husband and children deserve better than what I have to offer them right now but those are the cards I have to work with.

I made it through my appointment and headed home to catch another nap before my boys got home from school.

My appetite today wasn't the greatest. I just wanted to sleep so I just ate what I felt like I could stomach.

For breakfast: 1 piece of Cinnamon Raisin Eziekel Food For Life Bread toasted

For Lunch (I was craving veggies): spinach w clementine, goat cheese and balsamic vinegar

And then chocolate came into the picture :-)

Snack:
Chocolate Oatmeal
Chocolate Almonds
Chocolate Chips (Ghiradelli Bittersweet Chocolate Chips)

For dinner: 3 Chocolate Chip Cookie Pancakes (loaded with: pb chips, bittersweet, semisweet, milk, white chocolate chips) - I guess I would call these my PMS pancakes :-)

After dinner snack:
Chocolate Oatmeal 

Chocolate is where I'm at today and I'm ok with that. :-)

It's a chocolate kind of day. 

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