Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Living in Limbo

A friendly reminder to myself :-)
I'm living in limbo so it seems these days.  I ended my outpatient program a week and a half ago and today I'm finally starting to feel like I'm starting to live again.  A couple days after my discharge I came down with the flu: fever, chills, aches, cough, congestion etc...  so I had to cancel my therapy appointments and was house bound for days.  Now I am nursing a sinus infection and I'm on antibiotics. I have not exercised in 9 days and I'm missing the endorphins!

Thankfully this week I've been getting out a bit and meeting up with people for coffee or lunch.  I've also had people offer to help out with the kids or a meal and it's nice to have a network of people there for me.  I truly am blessed and fortunate.

On the subject of sleep the last three days I have slept through the night (hooray!) however I still feel tired.  This week is probably the first week that I really miss the program since I left 11 days ago.   I'm now able to get out of the house this week and I wish my energy was being spent participating in the program (even though I was ready to leave).  It was such a safe environment.  Everyone in the program from the therapists to the psychiatrist and those in treatment were so supportive, kind and yet challenging at the same time.  I learned some things about  myself that no one else has pointed out to me before. I will never forget what I learned there (ok with my short term memory it's possible to forget what I learned/experienced but thankfully I wrote everything down).

My mood today is melancholy.  I had lunch with an old friend and it was nice but in general I'm not feeling energetic.  Overall I'm feeling a sense of loss.  A sense of loss for what I could/would be doing if I wasn't sick.  I'm stuck in this time warp of wanting to be 'back to normal' but I won't be for a while.  My goal is to be back in school this fall and until then I feel like my life is on hold.  I try to remind myself that how I feel in this moment (tired, lost, hopeless) won't last forever.  It's really hard to go from training for a marathon and pushing myself to do really well in school to just mentally gearing myself up to go to the store.  Today the smallest of things feel like mountains and while I force myself to do the smallest of things I feel exhausted.  It feels like no amount of sleep will ever be enough.  I'm feeling disappointed in myself.  In my earlier post I wrote out a wish to take ice skating lessons.  Unfortunately I got sick with the flu so I missed the sign up period and even if I hadn't I feel like I would be pushing myself too hard too soon.  I have a fear of falling and hurting myself on the ice and that makes me anxious and stressed so I'm going to table ice skating for now.

My goal for this week is to hopefully be back in the gym by Friday.  But if I don't I don't.  I need to keep reminding myself every day is different and I need to remember that if I'm having a bad day it's only in the hear and now and it won't last forever. Looking forward to a brighter day and I'll keep working on mastering the limbo.



4 comments:

  1. I missed that you were sick. Sorry! Most days I'm just trying to get stuff done around the house/doing errands, so if you ever want to do something after dropoff when you're having a good day, let me know. Thanks for continuing to post about this!

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    1. Thank you so much for the offer and taking the time to read my blog. I will be in touch soon!

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  2. In reading this as well as your past posts, I can relate to how the simplest things now seem like big accomplishments. Constant sluggishness is also my enemy, and that slow motion state of being is so difficult for a hard driver like me to accept. I'm not 100 percent, and I won't be for a while. But eventually, I'll look up and say, "Hey, the tank is full again." Thanks for writing about your experience.

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    1. I can relate to being driven. It can be most frustrating to go from being so driven to being so 'sluggish' or feeling lost. Wishing us both a speedy recovery!

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