Skip to main content

Living in Limbo

A friendly reminder to myself :-)
I'm living in limbo so it seems these days.  I ended my outpatient program a week and a half ago and today I'm finally starting to feel like I'm starting to live again.  A couple days after my discharge I came down with the flu: fever, chills, aches, cough, congestion etc...  so I had to cancel my therapy appointments and was house bound for days.  Now I am nursing a sinus infection and I'm on antibiotics. I have not exercised in 9 days and I'm missing the endorphins!

Thankfully this week I've been getting out a bit and meeting up with people for coffee or lunch.  I've also had people offer to help out with the kids or a meal and it's nice to have a network of people there for me.  I truly am blessed and fortunate.

On the subject of sleep the last three days I have slept through the night (hooray!) however I still feel tired.  This week is probably the first week that I really miss the program since I left 11 days ago.   I'm now able to get out of the house this week and I wish my energy was being spent participating in the program (even though I was ready to leave).  It was such a safe environment.  Everyone in the program from the therapists to the psychiatrist and those in treatment were so supportive, kind and yet challenging at the same time.  I learned some things about  myself that no one else has pointed out to me before. I will never forget what I learned there (ok with my short term memory it's possible to forget what I learned/experienced but thankfully I wrote everything down).

My mood today is melancholy.  I had lunch with an old friend and it was nice but in general I'm not feeling energetic.  Overall I'm feeling a sense of loss.  A sense of loss for what I could/would be doing if I wasn't sick.  I'm stuck in this time warp of wanting to be 'back to normal' but I won't be for a while.  My goal is to be back in school this fall and until then I feel like my life is on hold.  I try to remind myself that how I feel in this moment (tired, lost, hopeless) won't last forever.  It's really hard to go from training for a marathon and pushing myself to do really well in school to just mentally gearing myself up to go to the store.  Today the smallest of things feel like mountains and while I force myself to do the smallest of things I feel exhausted.  It feels like no amount of sleep will ever be enough.  I'm feeling disappointed in myself.  In my earlier post I wrote out a wish to take ice skating lessons.  Unfortunately I got sick with the flu so I missed the sign up period and even if I hadn't I feel like I would be pushing myself too hard too soon.  I have a fear of falling and hurting myself on the ice and that makes me anxious and stressed so I'm going to table ice skating for now.

My goal for this week is to hopefully be back in the gym by Friday.  But if I don't I don't.  I need to keep reminding myself every day is different and I need to remember that if I'm having a bad day it's only in the hear and now and it won't last forever. Looking forward to a brighter day and I'll keep working on mastering the limbo.


  1. I missed that you were sick. Sorry! Most days I'm just trying to get stuff done around the house/doing errands, so if you ever want to do something after dropoff when you're having a good day, let me know. Thanks for continuing to post about this!

    1. Thank you so much for the offer and taking the time to read my blog. I will be in touch soon!

  2. In reading this as well as your past posts, I can relate to how the simplest things now seem like big accomplishments. Constant sluggishness is also my enemy, and that slow motion state of being is so difficult for a hard driver like me to accept. I'm not 100 percent, and I won't be for a while. But eventually, I'll look up and say, "Hey, the tank is full again." Thanks for writing about your experience.

    1. I can relate to being driven. It can be most frustrating to go from being so driven to being so 'sluggish' or feeling lost. Wishing us both a speedy recovery!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

7 1/2 Weeks Post Op - 185lbs

It's been almost 8 weeks since my surgery. I never thought I would see this day! The aqua therapy and physical therapy has paid off (as well as the surgery). My leg and back are pain free. Yesterday at my last physical therapy appointment I hopped, skipped, jumped and ran on the treadmill for 2 minutes! Pain Free!!! I never thought I would hear myself say the words: "I ran". My recovery time for this surgery was a lot tougher than the surgery I had last year. It feels like I can start to move forward. Unfortunately during my recovery time for comfort I've done a lot of eating. When I was actively exercising/running I would get a runners high. I think that was a big help to keeping me on track with my eating. The endorphins gave me a comfort high. However when I feel stress and lack of control and running isn't an option I tend to gravitate to food. Food and the pleasure of eating it is something I can control. Unfortunately there is a down side and that is we

Sonya 'Lost It'

Well it's now after Christmas and before New Years as I write this post.  I have been on hiatus for a long time on my blog.  I've been spending some of my time thinking about what I was going to write. I have been through some difficult times starting back in late October.  What I am about to write is very personal.   I feel a little bit foolish for sharing this with everyone as most people don't share their 'business' never mind posting it in a blog.  My hope in this post is to not have people feel sorry for me but that readers get an understanding for my situation and also an understanding of others who are going through something similar. Taking a deep breath. I am currently being treated for depression and anxiety and I'm almost finished with an intensive outpatient program at a local hospital (thankfully it's an amazing psychiatric hospital about 40 minutes from my home). For those who are reading this and have either gone through a depressive

Healthy Boundaries?

Growing up I always felt like I had to 'do what I was told' or else. A lot of what I learned as a child in terms of relationship bonds and my place in the world is mirrored in my adult relationships. It's taken me many years to figure what my mirror is showing me both good and bad. I'm guessing many woman (not all) have felt the pressure to conform to others expectations and at the same time not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings or risk being seen as uncooperative. The price woman have paid over the decades has been insurmountable. I think of the mom on Leave It To Beaver, and how woman either bought into or felt that's what they should aspire to. Later on in television was the Mary Tyler Moore Show. The show was about a single woman in her thirties working at a TV station. In the show she was portrayed as a strong independent woman who knew more than those she worked with. Many decades since then more women are in the workplace than ever and more are showing