Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Where I Am Today 167.4 lbs :-(



Where I am today...... I feel a little awkward writing this post. I was hoping to write sooner but of course it didn't happen. What has been happening a bit these days is I'm doing a little bit of self loathing.

I'm going to apologize now for my less than cheery post (what I was hoping to do was brighten your day with some positive energy - something I don't have much of right now). It's the end of the semester and I've done really well in my class and my final is coming up next week. I suppose I should be studying now instead of writing this blog post but I feel the need to reach out. Next semester the class I'm taking is going to be tough (exercise physiology - a subject I'm really interested in). Thankfully it will be the only class I take next semester. This time last year I was taking the exercise physiology class but had to withdraw as I fell ill with a major depression/anxiety mid/late semester. I'm miles away from where I was last year but needless to say I'm feeling a little uncertain about next semester.

As I sit here writing I imagine some people think I'm a little crazy for writing personal details of my life for everyone to see. For me it's a way of reaching out and expressing some creativity and that can be scary. I feel extremely vulnerable and exposed while at the same time I hope that my writing affects the reader in some positive way (maybe not today?).....There has to be millions of bloggers out there that are more dedicated than me and always find the time to write and write well. Is this going to be a  page that no one sees or likes as it floats in virtual space?


On the subject of weight loss (the whole reason why I started this blog to begin with) I'm afraid to step on the scale but I forced myself to do it. I was afraid of what number would be staring back at me as I stood on the scale, however I needed to see the truth. My jeans are now muffin tops and what used to be loose or fit nicely barely fits at. I went on a free for all with sugar/food and that love affair now has to end for my health, sanity and my for once nicely fitting clothes. I can't fall back on my surgery as the excuse for my weight gain. I'm the one who put the food in my mouth no one else. Some of my eating was more of a self medication in addition to one big pity party with my back surgery. When I first lost the 80 lbs of extra weight  (some time ago) I thought I could go on cruise control with my eating and emotions but I obviously can't. I now have 30 lbs to lose and I can't go back to the overweight unhappy person I once was. If there's one thing I've learned about weight loss it's that there is no real finish line. Unfortunately today I feel like I'm at the starting line for the first time. Hoping to be smaller in weight by my next blog post. Wish me luck! I need it!

No comments:

Post a Comment