Skip to main content

Where I Am Today 167.4 lbs :-(



Where I am today...... I feel a little awkward writing this post. I was hoping to write sooner but of course it didn't happen. What has been happening a bit these days is I'm doing a little bit of self loathing.

I'm going to apologize now for my less than cheery post (what I was hoping to do was brighten your day with some positive energy - something I don't have much of right now). It's the end of the semester and I've done really well in my class and my final is coming up next week. I suppose I should be studying now instead of writing this blog post but I feel the need to reach out. Next semester the class I'm taking is going to be tough (exercise physiology - a subject I'm really interested in). Thankfully it will be the only class I take next semester. This time last year I was taking the exercise physiology class but had to withdraw as I fell ill with a major depression/anxiety mid/late semester. I'm miles away from where I was last year but needless to say I'm feeling a little uncertain about next semester.

As I sit here writing I imagine some people think I'm a little crazy for writing personal details of my life for everyone to see. For me it's a way of reaching out and expressing some creativity and that can be scary. I feel extremely vulnerable and exposed while at the same time I hope that my writing affects the reader in some positive way (maybe not today?).....There has to be millions of bloggers out there that are more dedicated than me and always find the time to write and write well. Is this going to be a  page that no one sees or likes as it floats in virtual space?


On the subject of weight loss (the whole reason why I started this blog to begin with) I'm afraid to step on the scale but I forced myself to do it. I was afraid of what number would be staring back at me as I stood on the scale, however I needed to see the truth. My jeans are now muffin tops and what used to be loose or fit nicely barely fits at. I went on a free for all with sugar/food and that love affair now has to end for my health, sanity and my for once nicely fitting clothes. I can't fall back on my surgery as the excuse for my weight gain. I'm the one who put the food in my mouth no one else. Some of my eating was more of a self medication in addition to one big pity party with my back surgery. When I first lost the 80 lbs of extra weight  (some time ago) I thought I could go on cruise control with my eating and emotions but I obviously can't. I now have 30 lbs to lose and I can't go back to the overweight unhappy person I once was. If there's one thing I've learned about weight loss it's that there is no real finish line. Unfortunately today I feel like I'm at the starting line for the first time. Hoping to be smaller in weight by my next blog post. Wish me luck! I need it!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The #MeToo Campaign

Fingers crossed that this trend continues. For the past 10 days, I've been feeling energetic for the first time since? It's been so long I can't remember. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. It feels like I don't have depression anymore. What an amazing feeling that I hope never ends. Its kind of ironic as this time of year gets difficult with the shorter days. I've been using my Verilux lamp in the morning as I have for the last few years so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with why I'm feeling good? I'm feeling better now than I did a year ago. 

Depression doesn't affect me in ways someone might think when it comes to energy. I'm high functioning in that I'm not catatonic. It's just that my energy is limited (occasionally it feels like gravity is turned up or I'm trying to walk through waist-deep snow thankfully not often). A friend once explained to me what it's like to have Lyme disease (unfortunately she has chronic…

Weight Watchers vs. Jillian Michael's

It's been a little over 3 years (January 2010) since I started my weight loss journey. I reached my goal weight in May of 2011 (135 lbs). Since then it's been a yoyo and my trend had been going up over the last several months. My current weight is 150 lbs (I was 155 but lost 5lbs over the last few weeks). My goal is to lose the weight I put back on (20 lbs) plus an additional 5 lbs for a weight loss of 25 lbs in total. It's so hard keeping the weight off!!

The strategy I'm now doing this time is different. I've decided to follow Jillian Michael's weight loss program instead of continuing on with Weight Watchers. I lost the 80lbs on Weight Watchers and the program served me well. It forced me to look at portion size, calories (with old points system), fiber, carbs, fat and protein (with the new points plus system).  It changed the way I looked at food. Instead of processed foods I focused on eating a variety of whole fruits, vegetables, legumes, grains and low …

7 1/2 Weeks Post Op - 185lbs

It's been almost 8 weeks since my surgery.

I never thought I would see this day! The aqua therapy and physical therapy has paid off (as well as the surgery). My leg and back are pain free. Yesterday at my last physical therapy appointment I hopped, skipped, jumped and ran on the treadmill for 2 minutes! Pain Free!!! I never thought I would hear myself say the words: "I ran". My recovery time for this surgery was a lot tougher than the surgery I had last year. It feels like I can start to move forward.

Unfortunately during my recovery time for comfort I've done a lot of eating. When I was actively exercising/running I would get a runners high. I think that was a big help to keeping me on track with my eating. The endorphins gave me a comfort high. However when I feel stress and lack of control and running isn't an option I tend to gravitate to food. Food and the pleasure of eating it is something I can control. Unfortunately there is a down side and that is weigh…