At home taking a few minutes to write this blog post and checking in. My boys are keeping busy running around the house driving me crazy! Today school was canceled in light of the freezing rain after all the snow that fell over the weekend (27" in my town). Our pantry is stocked because I did some shopping before the big snowstorm on Thursday. Yesterday I stopped at the store to get some more fruit along with bread and milk. The bread was Challah bread one of my favorites and requires no butter or jam. Yummy and addictive indeed!
I found this video and I laughed out loud! So true to New England! Whenever there is a pending storm everyone rushes to the grocery store for bread and milk as if it were armageddon and they would have no food to eat for days if it snowed for one day. When I went to the grocery store I circled the parking lot three times to get a parking space and then I waited outside in the front of the store for someone to be done with using their grocery cart.
Enjoy this clip:
When it comes to my mental health in general I've been feeling better. I feel more alive than I've felt in a long, long, long time. I'm smiling more. I feel like I'm starting to really enjoy life again. The bad moments are feeling less so in frequency and intensity. Emotions however are creeping up on me from my past. Just when I'm in the 'all clear' an emotion or a memory pops into my head that's not so pleasant. The emotion or memory is from a long time ago but I can't attach anything specific to it. The best example I can come up to explain my experience: a person is about to taste mint chocolate chip ice cream. Upon tasting they recall that flavor sensation of cold creamy mint/chocolate ice cream but can't remember the original experience of it. It feels like a part of a distant past and there are no other memories attached to it other than the flavor sensation. That is something I've experienced recently only it wasn't a pleasant sensation or feeling and I'm not sure how to make sense of it all. I think it's my brain starting to 'let in' some of the things that were perhaps pushed into my subconscious. I'm guessing as I feel better I may have more of these 'memories/sensations' come up for me. While I was in the outpatient program a little over a month ago one of the therapists talked about abuse and how long it takes to process. He said on average it can take someone 10 years before they can even speak of a child abuse experience. It can be a long process and I'm getting the impression it comes in spits and spurts. Kind of like a car that drives fine for about 80% of the time and 20% of the time stalls, bucks and sputters every now and again. It kind of reminds me of a rider on a horse only the horse isn't always calm. One minute the horse is running fine with the rider on its back and the next minute the horse is trying to throw the rider off like in a rodeo. Seemingly without any warning.
One of the things I've found in the outpatient program is I'm not the only one who has experienced childhood sex abuse. While not everyone has the same identical experience there are many people who have gone through something similar in their childhood. I am not alone. Does my experience with abuse define me? In many way no but in some ways it's all too present. Like that feeling of having had mint chocolate chip ice cream but I can't remember where, when, or how. In this case however the ice cream wasn't really mint chocolate chip it was something rather bitter. I guess you can't have the sweet without the bitter. That's what makes the mint chocolate chip ice cream all that more sweeter and enjoyable.