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Today

Depression is kicking my ass today.

I forced myself to go to the gym this morning when I would rather stay in bed.

I carried on a smile when I saw a familiar face this morning.  While I enjoy seeing people I know and like I had moments of relief when I didn't bump into someone I new.  Saying hi to someone would mean I would have to put on a mask with a smile.  My legs felt like I had bricks attached to them as I ran 3 miles. I didn't want to run but I knew I would feel worse if I went home without that accomplishment.  During my run after the first mile the endorphins kicked in and I felt 'ok' from that time until a little while after I finished my exercise.

So the big question is why am I getting my ass kicked today after doing so well for many weeks after the outpatient program?  Not sure.  There has been a change in my meds as of three weeks ago and I'm sure my hormones are affecting things on some level.  One of the frustrations I have with meds is it can take several weeks (sometimes a couple months) for meds to take a full effect.  So basically it's a waiting game.  It's not uncommon for meds to be changed several times before finding the right combination.

We'll after having a 'nap' today I guess it's a good thing that I'm reaching out and writing.  I thought about writing and how it could be my own personal therapy (that I just happen to share with the universe :) ).  I had a social engagement tonight but I'm canceling on going (sorry friends I know you'll understand).  I just want to be glued to the couch and in the comfort of my husbands arms and maybe a movie tonight after the kids are in bed.

Right now depression is kicking my ass.  Tomorrow is a new day.


PS - On weight loss - I've gained a few lbs over the last few months and was close to bursting out of my clothes. I started getting serious with my diet and exercise and lost 1.8lbs this past week.

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